Monday, July 23, 2007

Fuck You Cancer!


So incase you didn't know, I hate cancer, a lot! Today I went to the oncologist, thinking it would be just a fun social meeting, telling them about random post chemo side effects and talking about the upcoming Chemopalooza slated for August 4th. Well unfortunately, I was wrong. I also need to add that I'm stupid and I went to the onc by myself because, again, I thought everything was fine. So after chatting with Tina with about 15 minutes, Kellie (my onc) came in and in a few minutes we were discussing scans. "They're not perfect." Yep, that's what I was told. My CT was "perfect" but my PET was not, I had a spot that lit up on my chest, and they don't know if it was inflammation or if it was the hodge. My options: wait a month and do another PET scan, or do a biopsy which entails slicing open my neck and sticking a camera down there and then doing a biopsy - which of course means, invasive surgery and ANOTHER scar on me! Their suggestion was just to do the PET in a month and hope it's just inflammation, but if I can't wait that long, we could find out exactly what it is with a biopsy. So hypothetically, if I do have the hodge in my chest, then we will most likely do radiation since we didn't do it after chemo - it's like my "salvage treatment" or something like that. In other words, I'm not going to go back to work until I know :( The worst thing that could happen would be to finally get approved for long term disability, go back to work thinking cancer is gone, finding out it isn't, and not being able to go back on disability. So, now starts the waiting game, ugh. And so, long story short, I'm crying in the office and wore my sunglasses on the way out and got weird looks from everyone. The next thing that crossed my mind, should I cancel Chemopalooza? Afterall, it's supposed to be a celebration of the end of cancer, not waiting to find out if I still have it.

On a brighter note, I came home to my parents house today and got a package from Veronica and Wullie that cheered me up a bit -- the package included some fun candy, a picture of their dog drawn by one of their kiddies - and the dog's name is KELLY!!, a Celtics "football" shirt aka soccer shirt, that's fun and green and it says Kelly on the back :), oh yeah, some fancy scotch nips, a cute bag that says Scotland all over it, some canned lamb (sad lamb!!), I think that's it, but it was fabulous and just what I needed today, thanks guys!!
That's all I got right now. I might go have my first beer in 7 months now, I think I earned it.

PS the wedding with PET scan guy is totally off, if he can't give me good scans
we're totally breaking up!
XO

9 comments:

Ryan said...

Kelly, that sucks ass!
I still think you should have a party. Maybe not THE party, but a party. It is good to be around friends when you are kinking cancer in the balls!

Cindy said...

Kelly, the scans really suck, but I agree with Ryan, have a party. A few friends is just what a girl needs. Stay strong!

Anonymous said...

Kelly, I am so sorry. What a day you have had! I am at work at the moment but can you email me you number again, I will give your a bell later tonight (your time) if thats ok with you.

Thinking of you

Vickyxx

Sanbandit said...

Thats sucks Kelly! Hopefully it's just all inflamation. Either way you need to have a kick ass party!
I'm here if you need to talk or AIM or anything!
sandy

Mary Jane Steele said...

Kelly, I am so sorry, that sucks! I have to agree with everyone else. Throw a pre-party to the part of the year. You have been through so much up to this point. Keep your chin up, this will be over before you know it. Talk to you soon.

judy said...

Dear Kel,

OUCH! So, so sorry the scan wasn't clear. Not at all what we all hoped for.
Maybe you should talk with the Dana-Farber doctor for more help in making your decision. Like, how much of a chance is there this is just an inflammation? What's the risk if you wait the month and it isn't...
You might have already done that.
Hang in there, kid. We're all there if you need us, Judy

Chris said...

Hi Kelly
Confused.com!!!!
I had the same with my scans following chemo, CT showed clear and PET highlighted an area in my right neck. Your world falls apart and its just, Oh Fuck! I had to go on daily Rads for 3 weeks following the results and found them so much easier than Chemo but the scars did take time to heal, its more of an inconvenience than anything. As Wullie said to me when this happened, its better to have the uncertainty now and get the additional treatment than have to go through further treatment in later years, look at his story and recent issues! Keep your Pecker up and remain positive and if you can, accept their recommendations. Take all that they throw at you and you will get through it.
On the parcel side I think they have bettered the English effort? I will have to keep my eyes peeled for something else to send you!
Cheers
Chris

Anonymous said...

In my opinion, a cancer survivor gets to have a party whenever and whyever she wishes. I'm gonna throw one in a few weeks myself.

Doesn't the "waiting" game just torque you right off? That's what I'm playing too. They finished radiation and have to wait several weaks to see the final effects, like after the inflammation goes away and such. Anyway. Waiting sucks.

I'll be sending up some prayers that we can both keep our sanity and have good parties during the waiting time. I wish I could be there! take care.
Morgan (Chief)

Janielle said...

We're having a party whether you wanna or not... hell, we could just have Fat-Kid Bonanza if ya want!! hahaha J/K We always have a fun time at Fat-Kid Bonanza though, so some of us at least should do something that day, just to have fun and eat good food and whatever you want, k?! I'm keeping my fingers crossed fer ya and I'll be thinking of ya lots! XOXO