Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Thoughts Running Around My Head


This occurred to me today that I was diagnosed with the Hodge on December 21st, 4 days before Christmas, starting chemo a week or so after the new year. Now, there's a possibility of a relapse, and I get this information 5 days before my 25th birthday! Am I ever going to get a break!!? What did a do to make this happen to me, damnit!!! I had been waiting for my 25th birthday during chemo, because I knew I would be done with everything, free and clear!!! Well fuck me!

And then yesterday I went to Meg's wedding reception - she's a year older than me and has been with her now husband for 5 years, then I see people I grew up with, 1 is married with a 5-month old, one is engaged, and then later that night my dad told me that one of my ex's is either married or engaged as well -- the kicker, to a girl he dated RIGHT after me. WTF! I really don't want to have this cancer business anymore. I feel like life is passing me by. I don't want to be a spinster for the rest of my life! I want to have kids someday -- but can I if I have to have a transplant? Should I have not focused on my career after graduating college and just looked for mister right? Was it the stress of trying to break into working in PR that gave me cancer? Was is because I lived and worked in Woburn where there was a huge cancer outbreak 30 years ago? (more articles online if you search for Woburn and cancer or cancer cluster or A Civil Action)

I'm just so frustrated about everything! My eyebrows are finally starting to look normal again, and I didn't lose all of my hair during ABVD, but I sure will if I do a transplant :( I just hate everything today!!!!!!!!!!
XO

5 comments:

Sanbandit said...

Awwww sad lamb :(
Sorry you have all these feeling all flyin in the head, but they are all normal. The only advice I can give is, go out and still live your life. You have different things you'll have to deal with along the way that others won't, but don't make that stop you from living. Then if you have to have the transplant, we deal with that when it comes. But you still live your life. Girl I'm 33, i want kids, no idea if I'll be able to have them or not, or oh wait, if I can ever find the husband that should come first. So keep that in the back of the mind youngin :)
For me, I just look at it like, this is my path in life. For whatever reason, my soul chose it, god chose it, subconcioulsy maybe I chose it (though i don't really thing that one lol) but it's my path so I have to follow it and eventually I find the answers to why it happened, or there will be something I've learned from it to share with others. You've already don't alot of the sharing with others!! Or maybe you'll were made to inspire others, which you do.
Hang in there, lots of people are there for ya!
love ya
san

Mary Jane Steele said...

Kelly, I agree with Sandy. Go out there and live your life. You're going to be 25 this weekend. You have another birthday to celebrate and many more to come. Life can throw some really messed up curve balls at us, but I sometimes think it happens to show us how strong we can be. Keep your chin up and have a kick ass birthday!!!
Jane

Veronica said...

Good for you with being so honest about your thoughts....they are all so natural! We used to say our time of life, with 2 young'uns, was the worst time of life for something like cancer to hit you head on - then we got to thinking, there actually is NO good time for it - it both sucks and blows at ALL stages of life, there are pros and cons for it all - at least being young, you have the strength to withstand all of this treatment, you CAN rest when you want to, get away on breaks AND you do have the rest of your life to look forward to - Wullie and I didn't get married until we were 28 - 1st kiddie didn't arrive till I was 30 - you have plenty of time, you just weren't expecting a year long battle with the Hodge to delay things.........you'll get there girl and your handsome, knight in shining armour will be waiting somewhere nearby for you when the time is right!

Do EVERYTHING you want to do for your big 2-5 - HAVE FUN, you don't know yet exactly what's around the corner for you so this weekend say "TO HELL WITH IT ALL - I'M GONNA HAVE FUN" - carpe diem and all that - easier said than done, I know - but we're all rooting for you and wishing you the best birthday fun you've ever had -spoil yourself - god this is a long post, hope it comes across with the love and support that's intended instead of being a pile of inane rambles!

Take care - love you, Kel.........xx

Jon said...

I am worried about you. Don't preoccupy your mind with the whatif's. Just disconnect a bit and focus on the rest of this good whether, Sox in the playoffs and a Dunky or Little Peach on every other corner :)

You should write a country music record, i play a mean slide guitar.

Uncle Tom said...

Hi Kelly: I have finally found your site, as a probably know I probably better @ building an atomic bomb than working with a computer. Belive me u will be find, your grandparents are watching out 4 u & so many people are praying 4 u. I will lite a candle @ the shrine that uour Grandmother & Aunt Thresa went 2 every Tuesday. Just belive & dinner will be on me. God Bless.