I'm too old to pretend I'm in high school, or even college. That's like a world away from me these days. I often feel like I'm surrounded by kids in all aspects of my life. I also feel like a lot of these people have no appreciation for the simple things in life and just continue to bitch and gripe about tiny things --- and when I am forced to listen to them complain in their kid-like passive agressiveness, I have to try VERY hard not to slap them, or yell at them for complaining about such tiny things and letting them rule their lives. I try to make people step away from the crazy and see that it's really not such a big deal, but it doesn't work - and instead it just annoys me. Most people I'm surrounded by just continue to disappoint me - even the ones that I would never think would, do. I think I'm too nice, maybe even a sucker. I wonder why people take advantage of me sometimes. Maybe it's all a joke? I'm not even sure. I'm just so frustrated and empty all wound together.
I'm also just frustrated with myself lately. This whole post-hodge life was supposed to be amazing. I was supposed to be skinny, and healthy, happy and super social... unfortunately, I'm not any of those lately. I don't think I've gained any weight, but I'm about the same as I was at the end of chemo -the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life AND I have no energy again. I feel bad about myself not wanting to go to the gym, but I also just don't care at the same time. My skin is a nightmare. I've been going to the dermatologist often and they keep putting me on all of these freaking drugs to try and clear me up - ugh. During chemo my skin was super clear! It might have been a bit dry, but at least it was clear and I didn't look like a fat hormonal 15 year old. I know I should eat better, but sometimes eating crappy just makes me feel better - I know it's like a Dr. Phil moment waiting to happen. And even when I do eat pretty good, I still don't feel good! And I still don't lose weight. Ugh.
I'm just not content with things right now. I know this is far from an upbeat post, and I apologize. I just don't know what to do to get me out of this funk. This weekend, I even went out randomly, spur of the moment and got a replacement Leon (my goldfish) to cheer me up. But really, the old Leon was much better - eh it's the story of my life.
All my muscles hurt too. Bleh.