Monday, February 4, 2008

Not as glamorous as I thought...

I'm too old to pretend I'm in high school, or even college. That's like a world away from me these days. I often feel like I'm surrounded by kids in all aspects of my life. I also feel like a lot of these people have no appreciation for the simple things in life and just continue to bitch and gripe about tiny things --- and when I am forced to listen to them complain in their kid-like passive agressiveness, I have to try VERY hard not to slap them, or yell at them for complaining about such tiny things and letting them rule their lives. I try to make people step away from the crazy and see that it's really not such a big deal, but it doesn't work - and instead it just annoys me. Most people I'm surrounded by just continue to disappoint me - even the ones that I would never think would, do. I think I'm too nice, maybe even a sucker. I wonder why people take advantage of me sometimes. Maybe it's all a joke? I'm not even sure. I'm just so frustrated and empty all wound together.

I'm also just frustrated with myself lately. This whole post-hodge life was supposed to be amazing. I was supposed to be skinny, and healthy, happy and super social... unfortunately, I'm not any of those lately. I don't think I've gained any weight, but I'm about the same as I was at the end of chemo -the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life AND I have no energy again. I feel bad about myself not wanting to go to the gym, but I also just don't care at the same time. My skin is a nightmare. I've been going to the dermatologist often and they keep putting me on all of these freaking drugs to try and clear me up - ugh. During chemo my skin was super clear! It might have been a bit dry, but at least it was clear and I didn't look like a fat hormonal 15 year old. I know I should eat better, but sometimes eating crappy just makes me feel better - I know it's like a Dr. Phil moment waiting to happen. And even when I do eat pretty good, I still don't feel good! And I still don't lose weight. Ugh.

I'm just not content with things right now. I know this is far from an upbeat post, and I apologize. I just don't know what to do to get me out of this funk. This weekend, I even went out randomly, spur of the moment and got a replacement Leon (my goldfish) to cheer me up. But really, the old Leon was much better - eh it's the story of my life.

All my muscles hurt too. Bleh.


BaldyLocks said...

I think you're not seeing how fabulous you truly are. It hasn't been that long since the whole cancer thing. I think you need to take a deep breath and be kind to yourself.

You've been through a lot AND you're back to work! You are doing an amazing job. All those other things will come in time.

AND you make me laugh! I think I'll make a button that says, "Fuck Steve", on it.

BaldyLocks said...

Oops. I am corrected. "Fuck you Steve".

I hope you have a better evening.

Veronica said...

SUCH a familiar story.......we're living this right here with you. Am going to email you to arrange a phone call this week so we can be disappointed at the world together - you are not alone........xx

Anonymous said...

Kelly, I don't know what to say only baldylocks seems spot on. I don't know about Steve?! I'll try and think of a song and send it your way.


Unknown said...

I'm sorry to hear you so down Kelly. You just kicked Cancer's ass and you are allowed to have some down time. Things will get better. Keep your ching up!

Jon said...

We love you down her in the VA. I am waiting for this last treatment to get out of my system and then I too and going to have to find my motivation. Maybe we should run a marathon together in the summer. Something to plan for.

Did I just say "Marathon"? F'k that. I mean like a 10K or something. Yeah. That's more like it. :)

R said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish Kelly. Other people can seem soooo stupid sometimes and I get really wound up about it too. I try hard to remember that it's just because they haven't had the lovely experiences I've had but it doesn't really help. Let me know if you find a way to remove the urge to slap/yell at people, I could really use it!

Do remember that you've not long since had to go through something worse than most people will ever have to deal with, so you're perfectly allowed not to be on top form. You have the rest of your long life to be skinny and healthy and super social and to go to the gym fourteen times a day. For now, just relax and take things as they come. And if you want to yell at somebody, yell at them. You can always use the handy free cancer card that comes with the Hodge as an excuse afterwards. I have been told by my family (usually when I'm trying to get out of the housework) that the card does have an expiry date on it, so use it while you can!

Rach x

Adrienne said...

Hang in there Kelly. This too shall pass. Sometimes you just have to ignore the pettiness and know that people don't know any better. Give yourself a pat on the back for being on the other side and take it a day at a time.

Love, Alison

Unknown said...

I hope that life gets a little better. THere is something really difficult about the mid twenties, I like to think of it as the quarter life crisis. I can't imagine how hard it would be to go through that with the hodge. You have gone through a lot and I am sure that in a few years you will be able to look back comfortably and see that you are amazing. Until then it is an uphill struggle.

I just want to let you know that I found out that a friend of mine has leukemia. I am really scared for her, but she is optimistic. I am going to send her your blog so that she can network with other people that are going through the joys of chemo.

I hope that you have a great weekend.

Susan C said...

It's funny - while I was going through treatment for mantle cell lymphoma (a non-Hodgkins lymphoma), I came to the realization that we're all flawed, especially me. Consequently, I had great patience and tolerance for people.

But now that I'm post treatment and transplant, I seem to have forgotten the "lesson." People annoy the heck out of me. Whine, whine, whine about nothing!

So, anyway, I can totally relate. I was much happier in my "we're all flawed" days.