Saturday, March 8, 2008

"I can't drink tonight, I'm on new meds for my OCD"


So I thought I would post something funny and since most of my posts have been kinda 'eh' lately....

Soooo you know how I have a match.com account? Well I kinda hate it and haven't met anyone from it and I haven't been on a date in forever - except with Pat or Hippy which doesn't count, because Hippy is gay, and Pat's, well he's just Pat...

Soooo this guy started emailing me on the site, he seemed a little boring from his emails, but I like to be an optimist and think maybe he'll show up and be hot and awesome....

So he asked me last week if I wanted to meet at a 99 for dinner... sure I love potato skins there, ha ha! But then when we were coordinating (via email) date/time stuff.... and he writes in the email,

To be honest, I'm currently battling my personal demon (OCD) and I'm not in such good form, often looking distracted and the like. However, if you still want to hang out, how 'bout Thursday at 7pm?

So I obviously shared it with Nicole (aka leg warmers or smelly pizza on my comments) -- he really didn't give me a lot to work with, hey I'm crazy, but let's meet! So I wrote back saying I'm not sure what that means, but if you're feeling okay we can meet... I knew it was going to be awful, but I really just needed to test myself, and shit, I'm part OCD, maybe it'll be okay. So anyways, me and Nicole went out on Wednesday night and talked about crazy match.com guy that I had to meet, basically for really good stories!

Oh some more backstory for him... come to find out, he lives at home with his parents (which is a big no no for me when I'm looking to meet someone online - it's sorta like a red flag, but then I was thinking, maybe I'm just too damn picky)... his dad is a shrink, his mom a social worker, and he does their medical billing! I didn't know that before the date that he works with them like that... too close, and their jobs are kinda creepy since he's tapped....

One other creepy thing... he was an aspiring journalist -- which sounds interesting on paper, however, he's got issues, and in one of his classes in college he wrote a letter to the unabomber, yes THE UNABOMBER!! It was eventually picked up here in adbusters, an anti advertising satireish magazine I used to read in college. Take a look, it's fucked up... again, I was just looking for some new awful date stories... yes, I have lots! I considered this date a 'dry run' for real dating -- I knew he wasn't going to pan out. And Nicole knew where I was, and I said I would call her immediately after... yada yada, oh and duh, I drove myself.... that should answer all your questions on if I'm responsible...

Anywho so I go meet this dude at the 99 in Woburn... he shows up all disheveled, slightly sloppy - but again, it's just the 99 and we're soooo not getting married! So I'm going to give the play by play of the date, I hope I don't bore you with details, however, I feel like they all add up to the craziness....

So I walk into the 99 and see him sitting in the lobby waiting, I smile and said Hi, and he just looked thru me -- PS we both knew what we looked like, so it shouldn't have been a surprise -- then I walked up to him and was like, "Ray?" and finally he said hi. Ha ha... no handshake, fake hug, nothing... ha

We grab a table, and I knew it was going to be painful. So I ordered a beer and then he got water, and I was like, "Oh I'm sorry, did I offend you, do you not drink?"

Best line ever.... wait for it, waaaaiiiittt....


"No I drink, but I shouldn't because I'm on new meds for my OCD"

AMAZING - enter awkward town! :)
So then some more awkward small talk, since the OCD was out of the bag it was tough. I had to lead the conversation and keep it moving because if I stopped asking questions I'd start reading cheapo 'art' on the walls of the restaurant...

I even asked him if he wanted an appetizer, because really, I went for the potato skins... but he kind of ignored my question... soooo awesome

Then we order, and we're still doing the small talk crap... I ask about his CRAZY unabomber letter and it turns out - he tried to turn it into a novel! YEP, you heard right! FUCKED! He got it to 140 pages, but that's as far as it got. CRAZY.

Then I think to myself, okay aspiring journalist, writing once and a while for a small Irish paper in Boston -- so I'm like, okay, let's talk about papers, and the media industry and how things are moving digitally (hello chemopalooza.com), papers and magazines are doing tons of lay offs, yada yada... and the kid knew nothing about any of it. I was like, wow, way to go, you'll get far in journalism! He also doesn't read anything but novels, so again, tough to break into the biz. Ha!

Then since he grew up about 30 min away from where I live now, I thought I would try discussing the technology hotspot that Massachusetts is, and well that didn't fly either - he knew nothing of it. Honestly, I was being quite the intelligent conversationalist...

Then I just keep trying... so he told me he has a 23 year old brother that doesn't live with his family - so I ask where he lives, does he live with roommates, etc? "Umm he lives in a halfway house, he has mental problems"

Yep, another red flag!!!!!!!!! Ha ha!

So then I think to myself, fuck it! And I start to ask about this lovely OCD. And he tells me, "the most well-known form of OCD is things like washing your hands a lot, etc, however, my OCD is't like that. I replay things in my head and can't tune out the noise -- not like voices, ha ha, just ongoing thoughts" RED FLAG!!! Ha ha ha!

Oh one creepy thing I forgot to mention was, he didn't eat any of his food for 90% of the date. He got a sandwich and fries and would eat one fry every 5 minutes... and he said he was going to eat all his fries before his sandwich (dear OCD)... Of course, I was eating the whole time. And eventually I had the waiter wrap up the rest of my food so I could finish when I got home, mostly because I was looking for an out.

So more awkward conversation... yada yada... me reading signs in the restaurant... and then I paid the check and said, "ya know what, this one is on me" ( ha ha !) and then 5 min later, he was still sorta (finally) eating, and I was like "yeah, well I think it's time for me to head home"

So I left, and then he left at the same time, so I tried to make sure he didn't see my car and then hurried home and called Nicole to tell her I was alive...

Ahhh dating... how fun and exciting. But really, at least I got a new story!

Oh and best part is, he emailed me this afternoon saying he'd love to meet up again!! Riiiiiight! I'll get right on that crazytown!
Anywho, I hope you enjoyed my random story and laughed a lot! Sorry it's jumpy, but if I told it to you in person it would be the same way, hilllllarious!

XO!

11 comments:

judy said...

omg. So glad I'm too old and married to date. Wash your hands of that dude.
Judy

Taryn said...

While I enjoyed reading about the date, I think I preferred hearing about it at lunch on Friday. Just when you thought things couldn't get more awkward, they do. I must say, your story was the highlight of my day!

Veronica said...

Thanks for the giggles, Kel - it's Tuesday night (my Friday!) and I'm in a good mood anyways, but now it's even better! You sound like you were the model date and behaved in a very grown up way - I'm proud of you - now stay away from crazy dating places!!!
And I liked Judy's comment - wash your hands of that dude - yeah - wash them then wash them again and again and again.........ha ha ha..........sorry, OCD is no laughing matter, I just can't believe your luck (or lack of!!)

Love - we will catch up very soon, Vx

Michele said...

you are fabulous! I love the occasional trips on the crazy train! Your story makes me so glad I'm off the market!

BaldyLocks said...

Your story is making me scared that I AM on the market! Oh, no. This is what I have to look forward to?

At least it makes for a good story, if that's any consolation.

I hope everything else is going well for you. I'm trying my hardest to get paintings done for my May 1st show.

BaldyLocks said...

I have that magazine with the article! If you want it, I can send it to you.

One Mother with Cancer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
One Mother with Cancer said...

OMG!!!!!

I would have looked for an out way before that...

I hope you land a better date soon.

Mary said...

haha. I can't believe you paid for dinner!

Getting a free meal is the real bonus of the blind date, especially with a crazy.

Anonymous said...

I just had to say Oh....My....God....I have met his twin brother, his cousins, his friends, his sons, his...any other male relative I can think of, before finding my husband, actually come to think of it...I had two much worse, needless to say 1 had issues with bodily noises from every orifice during the entire date and the other decided that drinking and driving was the way to go roflmao...gotta love it, who knows though, one day you might find that diamond in the rough who just needs you to polish him shiny...BIg Hugs - Keltik

Janielle said...

Ahh, sorry, I'm a little late reading this... but I'm finally caught up on your blogs and: OMG! I'm glad you're alive... and this is one scary, crazy, hilarious story!! PS- I like your new hair cut! Looks AWESOME! Hope to see you on Friday for my birthday!