Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Land of Limbo

Well I'm not as miserable as I was yesterday. I guess it just takes time to start to feel better. I've still broken down and started crying a few times today though - so the tears are still kicking around. I hate waiting and I hate the unknown. It's true what people say, it's much easier during chemo because you have an exact timeline and plan of attack, and of course a deadline for it to be over! It's when you enter the land of limbo that it gets more complicated.

I went and got a facial today to cheer myself up and try to relax. It only sorta worked for the relaxation. I tried to schedule a 30 minute massage after the facial but she was already booked up - so I'll just have to go back soon. She gave me a 10% off coupon for my next massage appointment. I stick to having the owner do my facials and massages because she understands I'm there to relax and not talk about everything going on in my cancer life -- unlike this other woman there who I used to go to, but she also had the hodge and thinks I like to talk about it all the time, which I don't, especially when she says that she's glad she got cancer, are you retarded? Cancer sucks! So anywho, at least I didn't have to deal with crazy pants and start crying for the billionth time this week. And now my face is pretty smooth and glamorous. My hair was pretty greasy though from the mini scalp massage, so I just re-showered today and that made me feel a little better as well.

I talked to Lynda and Julia and they convinced me to go on the work outing tomorrow. They're doing some sort of river cruise and then hanging out at a beach and having lunch. I was on the fence about going since I know I'll have to answer a lot of questions like "when are you going back to work" and "Aren't you all better now" -- which I just don't have answers to. But they promised to help block me from getting asked cancer stuff a billion times, so cross your fingers that I don't start crying there!

Anywho, thanks everyone for the comments and the support. I guess I just need to keep busy so call me, let's plan something, entertain me, tell me jokes, braid my hair- whatever!



Veronica said...

Hey Kelly - enjoy your river outing (hope it's more relaxing than Skye's ;) ) Forcing yourself to keep out and about and around people will get easier and easier the more you keep doing it and let's hope your good friends at work do their job to keep the nosy ones at bay!!!

Chin up and have a fantastic day......xx

Anonymous said...

Oh man! ducked away from your blog for a few days, came back to this suck ass news!

I too "get it" (I hear tell of “I Get IT” buttons being made for the AYA set(Adults & Young Adults with Cancer)) and know the feeling of limbo.. I survived treatment and my first clean scan only to find a lump in my chest. Turned out to be a benign thing related to my treatment but still set me back for awhile. But my wife made me go on a "survivors retreat" locally in Boston. I thought no way I wanted to go be around people with much sadder tales than I, but you know what? Aside from getting married and the birth of my two children, it sure ranked as one of the highlights of my life. To be around people who got it, who showed incredible poise and courage in the face of some unbelievable adversity gave me faith in my own ability to adjust to "life as a survivor." You will find your own way forward, but you now belong to the one fraternity/sorority that nobody wants to join. Wear it like a badge, or hide it behind your facade of strength, whatever works for you, but its truly a red badge of courage to have survived at all, one that you should be proud of, no matter what happens next.

I don't live in fear of the next scan, or the scan after that. I live in fear of the leukemia or kidney cancer lurking 20 years down the road because of my treatments today. but I try to live by the words of a great great friend who is something like 8 years out from what should have been a 2 year death sentence: "Don't pollute today with your fears of tomorrow" The sentiment is by no means original but it helps me get through the day.

Sorry for the mini rant, but my point is this: wallow if you want, buy the 42 inch Flat panel if you want (yeah!), tell those "friends" who ditched you in your time of need to F-off if you want, just know there is a community of people who support you, and will never judge you, no matter what you choose.

Good luck, can't wait to read that you got the all clear!

Jon said...

Dirty joke to cheer you up (heard it on sirius the other night):

"What's the square root of 69?"

"8 something"

Bad taste I know, but you will laugh.

Not a perve, I swear.

Sanbandit said...

Ooooo "bad taste" now there's a pun to that dirty joke if i ever heard!