Damaged Goods

Lately, I feel like I'm damaged goods. All I want is to go on a date with someone, or have someone have a little crush on me, 10th grade style. I feel like I look so buttoned up lately with my terrible pulled back hair that needs to be gelled back so that the short pieces don't pop thru... ugh. Know any slutty dudes that like cancer chicks??? Or just dudes that want to snuggle with me and watch movies? If so, please send them my way, thanks!

I think tonight is going to be a lazy night. I feel like lighting a bunch of candles and taking a long, hot bath and maybe watching a sappy movie. Yep, sounds terrific! Maybe I'll even mix myself up a fancy drink.... okay, this is me cutting it short because I'm going to be lame.

XO

Bekah's Dinner Party Tonight

Well the girls night was called off today via text message. Kinda lame, I was bummed, but I'm glad I didn't sit around feeling crappy all night. I went to Bekah's dinner party and ate tons of really good food and had a great time! Thanks again Bekah for having me at your party, it was great to meet all of your friends, and of course see you again -- not wearing a hat :)

I slept nice and late today until around 1pm, which was well needed! Then I decided to do some laundry and put clean sheets on my bed, yay! It's a little past 1am now, so I'll probably try and hit the hay soon, just wanted to post a quick update. I'm hanging out with Mandy tomorrow, and we might even try and get some tennis in if the weather is good. Dad is going to Block Island tomorrow, and I'm going to go at some point next week. We're having a Canadian Thanksgiving next weekend on Block Island. My cousin Roland is coming from Canada, and a bunch of family members are coming out as well. Should be a good family get-together kinda time.

I hope all is well with everyone!! I want to have a mini party soon, maybe weekend after next?? A little Nintendo Wii, maybe some cards, maybe some kareoke? I just feel like I haven't been seeing my friends lately and that I'm due for some fun!

XO!

Busy Busy Busy!!!

I'm feeling better now that I spent the entire day sleeping!! Yay! I just got back to Burlington this evening. I had dinner with Lynda and Sydne (I guess I'm friends with chicks with y's in their names!) - we went to the Cheesecake Factory, I had only eaten there once before like 10 years ago, but everyone talks about how AMAZING it is, so why not... it was good, but not amazing like everyone talks about. The desert (strawberry shortcake) and the mashed potatoes were probably the best parts of my meal -it's a total toss up! We were there for a couple hours, the time just flew by! It was good to see them and catch up, oh and they brought me new business cards from work!! Ha ha! They changed our logos and website, so everyone got new cards and fancy pens! I love that they're still making stuff for me even though I'm gone! And, who knows, I might be back soon... but I'm still going to start part time when I go back, because it's totally going to kick my ass!

Tomorrow I'm going to have a girls night slumber party with Sydne and Lynda which should be fun! We might even go out for drinks or something, oh and of course, play Nintendo Wii!! Man, I wish I had Nintendo Wii when I was a kid, I woulda had waaaay more friends, just kidding!

One a more serious note, I've been meaning to mention this for a week, but kept forgetting. If you know anyone that is looking to do a good deed, click here. There is a man with stage 4 non-hodgkin's lymphoma, who is "selling" his cancer on eBay. Right now, he's only at $242.50, he's got 3 kids and although I don't know him, his story intrigues me. Please pass the link on to your friends, especially if they're feeling charitable, thanks!

Oh and one more new chemopalooza fact - my blog hit numbers have almost doubled in the past 2 weeks, before I was around 30-50 hits a day, and now I'm almost at 80 a day!!! Yay! I heart new readers and the amount of comments I've been getting lately! Thanks everyone for the support, and of course, for reading my randomness! Oh and about that wig that you all love - you have no idea how terribly hot it was!!! If the were mine, I would chop a ton of the hair off, probably to my shoulders, otherwise I would be a sweaty disaster wearing it! But it's always good to hear you look good, so thanks!! It really did look like my old hair. Soon enough folks, soon enough!! One more thing, I'm pretty sure I still owe a billion email replies and phone calls, stay tuned, I'm sorry it's taking me so long, I've been super busy and I promise I'm not ignoring you!

XO!

I'm Back From New York!

Hi everyone!!Thanks for checking in on me, I apologize to leave you all in limbo, but I figured it was time to go see some sights of New York, pretend that I don't have cancer and pretend I don't look like someone tried to slice my neck.

Here's the latest, but NOT the official update:

As you know, when I woke up from surgery the surgeon told me that what they took from my thymus was *most likely* Hodgkin's because it looked just like it under the microscope - but obviously, they had to do the official tests on it to be official...Then my onc told me he would probably know by Tuesday, so he actually called me while I was on the bus going to NYC, and this is how our conversation went:

Me: Hello?

Lymphoma Dude: Hi Kelly

Me: How are you Dr. Fisher?

Lymphoma Dude: I'm doing good, and I think you are too!

Me: Huh???

Lymphoma Dude: As of right now, it's not showing up as Hodgkin's, just thymus - weird I know. I even asked about the frozen section that they thought was Hodgkin's, and so far it's not showing anything...you'll have to wait for the official news since I'm having them go thru all of the nodes to make sure there's no Hodgkin's on the edge or anything - hopefully I'll know by Thursday.

***

Soooo it's Tuesday, and they don't have any official results for me yet and said it's taking a little longer for some of their tests and I should hopefully know next week, around Wednesday. Anyways, I don't really believe I'm clean. People were telling me to celebrate, but really it just makes me want to get another biopsy of the spot they didn't biopsy. So in a nutshell, that's the latest and greatest.

As for my trip to NYC, it was fun but REALLY hot and humid, and ugh yuck - I can't deal with walking around sweating buckets all day - I don't know how you city folks do it! I got to meet Sandy and stay at her apartment in Astoria (thanks again Sandy!!) we went to the I'm Too Young For This comedy show that I scored free tickets to (thanks Matthew Zachary!) - we actually got REALLY good front row seats too! The comedians were super funny, the drinks were free -- damn cancer, wish I had more energy to drink! -- but I still got one fancy drink (a pomegranate martini). I also got to meet Matthew Zachary who runs I'm Too Young For This, when we met, I said "Hi, I'm Kelly," and he just shook my hand and pretended he knew me, so then I said, "Ya know, chemopalooza.com," and his face lit up and he says, "Oh Kelly Kane!!! We get so many hits on our site from your website!! You should do my radio show sometime, let's figure it out!" So hoooray, I'm going to be on his radio show at some point, it's called the Stupid Cancer Show and he's had celebrity and other amazing cancer fighters on his show. Check it out, you can set it up on your itunes to download automatically, by clicking here.

Then the next day I did some sight seeing, sweated some more, met Jason Kelly, a reporter I used to work with (ya know, when I was working) who I always had a deal with that we would meet in person if we were ever near each other-- so I obviously had to, duh. Plus I got to see how swank the Bloomberg office is. Then I did some more sight seeing, met Sandy for dinner then went to a Broadway show called The Ritz which had half naked gay men in little towels (hooray!). Today I met my pal Arik that works at BusinessWeek, who like Jason Kelly, I've never met in person, so obviously had to. Then I thought I would do some more sight seeing, but once I got outside, I decided that it was just too humid and headed back home because it was just too hot to deal!

I hope I covered everything. I totally get to check NYC off of my to-do list! I think I'm going to head to Burlington tomorrow to check my mail and maybe be social?...I'm not sure yet though... I also might go to a work event as well. Anywho, I gotta stop typing because my lap is getting hot! I hope you are all well, and yes, I owe a bunch of email replies to you all - probably tomorrow.

Oh and one last funy picture... me in one of Sandy's wig, looking very "normal" except for the slash in my neck :)

XO

I'm Going To New York!

I have a confession to make... I've never actually been to New York. I know, I know!! But I've never had a reason to go, so I just haven't gone. Lame excuse, but it's true. Anyways, I'm going tomorrow! I figured I might as well check some things off of my to-do list while I have some energy. I got free tickets to the I'm Too Young For This comedy show, so I'm going to take the bus to NYC and then meet up with Sandy, grab some dinner, go the show, and then stay at her apartment. Then, Wednesday, I'm going to be a tourist while she's working, I figure I'll just go to one of those sight seeing tour thingy's. Should kill some time, and maybe I'll even get to meet some of my old reporter pals or other cancer fighters :) It's pretty spur of the moment in planning, so I might not get to do everything. I'm totally going to bring my camera and just have fun :)

Anywho, I'm leaving around 1 tomorrow, arriving around 5ish, ready to party! Oh and I find out the results of my biopsy most likely tomorrow - but I pretty much already know the answer, so oh well.

XO

I've Cut Down To A Few Packs A Day

Hi everyone, sorry I've been a little scarce these past few weeks with posting. My voice is getting better, but my throat still hurts and I'm still coughing a lot, I sometimes have to hold onto something when I could because I'm scared I'm going to pop open my stitches. I'm wearing this giant bandaid on my throat - I wonder if I took it off and drank something if it would pop thru - ha ha, I'm obviously kidding, but wouldn't it be funny... like that movie Deuce Bigalow or something.

I napped most of today, and slept kinda crappy last night. I actually went to bed before 10pm the last 2 nights, which is amazingly rare for me, I'm usually up until at least 1am. The first night I slept on my couch at my apartment (and if you've been there, you know it's amazingly comfy) so that I wouldn't try to sleep on my side and be in more pain. Last night I slept at my parents house, and slept on my side like normal, but with a giant stuffed animal for padding. I think I might be up to driving by tomorrow...? I can turn my head enough to get around, I think.

I'm amazed with myself, I guess because I've had so much waiting, and such a strong gut feeling that the hodge was back, that I actually haven't freaked out since surgery yet -- no crying, nothing! And I cry like it's my job lately, so I'm amazed with myself. I'm just waiting until Tuesday to find out the news. But I have a strong feeling that it'll be confirmed that it's officially back. I decided if it is back, and I have to go thru a stem cell transplant and terrible chemo, that I'm not going to rush into it. I'm going to request at least 2-3 weeks before chemo starts. I want to get some fun in before my life goes to shit. Maybe another pre-chemopalooza too? I dunno, it's a possibility.

Anywho, I think I'm going to go try and do something now, so I'll write more, maybe later tonight.

XO

The Good And The Bad

Hi Everyone,

Here's the good news: I'm still alive after the surgery!!!

The bad: I met with the surgeon once I woke up, and she told me they biopsied a spot on my thymus (they couldn't get at the initial spot because of a major artery over it) but said it was a cluster of lymph nodes and they looked like Hodgkin's -- she said something like she's 90% sure.

My onc said he's "Concerned that it looks like Hodgkin's, but it's not over til the fat lady sings" but pretty much, I'm fairly sure that my gut feeling was right. My onc said he would call me when he has an answer, which he thinks will be about Tuesday.

Right now my throat is super sore, I have a headache, am super sleepy, and I sound like I chain smoked cigarettes with Courtney Love all day. HA!

Thanks for the happy thoughts everyone!!

XO

Pre Surgery

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick post before I head to my parents house. Thanks everyone for the nice comments, emails and happy thoughts. I kept myself completely busy today, got up, tried to find a piercing place to take out my belly button ring, went to the random place that I found only to be stood up by the owner, went to my massage and then went to Meg's to get her to take it out (phew!) and then came home, went and bought some antibacterial body wash, took a shower, cleaned my apt, went out to dinner with my friend Jim from college that I haven't seen in a few years, came back to my apartment and kicked his ass at Wii for a few hours (seriously, boxing is a total body workout!!) and now am getting ready to drive to Longmeadow....so really long day, which is just what I wanted! YAY!

So I'm off to surgery tomorrow morning, we're going to leave around 6 or 7am so that we can make it there by 9am for surgery to start at 10:30am. Hopefully all goes smoothly and I'll be done with surgery by 1pm, but who knows. I'm freaked out, but you all already know that. I gotta take my fancy nail polish off too - what a waste of a manicure! That's okay, I'll go to my dude down the street from my parents, he's a bargain!

Well, I think I'm off. I'm sorry I haven't posted much this week, I've been all over the place, literally and figuratively. I did actually get a decent nights sleep last night, so hopefully that'll make things a little better. I just gotta pack some PJs and I'm off. Thanks again everyone for all the happy thoughts, I love you all! Oh and I have to tell you about the hilllarious email that went around at my work today when I log back on -- I was totally nominated for homecoming queen at work, hilllarious. But the cancer card didn't work and I still lost the competition, it also probably helps if I would have actually shown up!

Okay that's all for now, XO!!!!

I Can't Sleep...

It's 4:41am and I can't sleep, so I decided it was time to post something. It's weird, I've been the anti-poster lately, on here and the lymphoma board, I just don't have the energy to write for some reason this week. I'm super exhausted lately and it's to the point that I feel like I'm blacking out when it's bed time and not remembering stuff like I was super drunk or something (but not). I also, all of a sudden have no memory, like delayed chemo brain, it's pretty fucked up! And of course, I'm getting itchier lately, which makes me worry about what lies ahead, since why else could I be so friggin' itchy other than the hodge is back... ugh

Tomorrow I go in for my pre-surgery meeting for blood work, an EKG, and a meeting with the anesthesiologist. I'm going by myself, I hope that's okay and that it's not anything too overwhelming. I'm going to bring some paper to take notes, but sometimes (especially lately) I space out and can't take good notes. I'll just make sure to repeat my notes to them and tell them I have chemobrain :)

I scheduled myself a massage for Thursday afternoon, I figure I might as well do it while I can and while I'm not worried about another friggin' scar and the pain associated with it. I can never have too much relaxation in my life lately, so bring it on! As I typed that, I realized that I was clenching my teeth, damn stress!

Today I decided to pop into work and say Hi to everyone since I don't know when I'll have time to again, since I probably won't be driving for a while. It was good to see everyone, and I got to meet with our CEO to catch up, I totally convinced her on purchasing a Nintendo Wii for our office! I think Nintendo should start throwing some cash my way since I'm like the Wii pimp these days! We have one of those giant projection screens which would be awesome for Wii, so hopefully in the next few weeks they'll have gotten one! :)

Me and Mandy were supposed to play tennis today, I got to her apartment, and we even changed into our tennis gear (aka sweatpants, ha ha!) only to find out these other guys were playing, and they ended up playing for a few hours, so tennis was a no go! Oh well! We got manicures instead, and then went and got some dinner. When we got back to her apartment Jeff and Scott were there so we all got to hang out for a while. Good times.

Hmmm what else....? I guess that's really all that's going on with me lately. I'm scheduled for surgery on Friday, surgery starts around 10:30am and I have to be there for 9am, dad is going to take me. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to go to my parents house on Thursday night so that my car is there or if I should just have him pick me up at my apartment like planned. I'll figure it out probably on Thursday. But I'm definitely going to at least get my massage before I leave :) I'm hoping it'll help make my body feel a lil better too, maybe help me heal better after surgery too since my blood will be moving better and stuff. Speaking of blood, I'm kind of mad at myself for being such a bitch and getting my port out so quick since I'll probably be doing a bunch of blood work and have IVs and stuff for surgery, damnit! I'm planning on most likely having some giant IV bruises, sad lamb! Oh well, shit happens!

Okay, well that's all I got...I think...I feel like I'm missing stuff, but I can't think of what. Sorry everyone, I've been really bad at returning emails and phone calls this week, I'll try and get better soon, or just keep stalking me and eventually you'll get a response. I hope everyone is well!

XO!

PS - One kinda creepy, morbid thing....I'm thinking about writing something incase I die during my surgery, or become brain dead, since those are some of the possible side effects... I was told 1/1,000 people die from this surgery, and well if you think about it, what's the statistic of people getting Hodgkin's -- pretty low (okay I just looked it up, an estimated 8,190 people will be diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2007) -- so in the grand scheme of things, it really is a freaky possibility that I could be the 1 out of 1,000... and just for the record, if I become weird and freakishly brain dead, I would rather just have the plug pulled. If there's no hope for me to feel normal, know what's going on, etc, what's the point in living. So anyways, as morbid as it sounds, I might write something, but I'm not sure what. Just thought I would share, sorry for the creepiness.

Checking In

It's been a few days since I've posted. I've kinda been in a funk and have just been frustrated with the people around me lately. You always hear about these people who get sick and have the most amazing friends that really help them get thru everything, but I've recently realized that it's not always the case in real life. People have other shit going on, and sometimes it just feels like you're a nuisance when you want to go out and have fun and keep your mind off of some things. Sometimes I feel like I've used up all of the sympathy from my friends and I've only got family to rely on. It sucks to be 25 and have to rely on your parents to take you to you doctor appointments and surgeries, and all of that crap. I feel like I'm too old for needing them as much as I do. So yeah, I haven't written because I didn't want to come off as a giant jerk, so I waited a little while to post.

I am glad that Bekah has recently moved nearby, we had dinner last night and it was great to hear the same things from someone who gets it. We're going to try and do something this week if we can. Here's a picture of our dinner last night

Anywho, I don't really have much else to report. My skin is back to being itchy. I'm super tired lately and actually slept until about 4pm today, and was still tired. But I did make myself shower and get out of my apartment for a little while. I think I'm going to sleep late again tomorrow, but I did want to try and stop by work and say hi, I meant to call and check in today, whoops. I just had a mini Wii bonanza with Pat, we decided that boxing is an insane aerobic workout!!!!! Tomorrow I'm going to try and play real tennis with Mandy after she gets out of work. Should be funtastic. It'll only be the second time I've played, but it's been so cool and comfortable lately, I might as well take advantage of it - especially since I've been pretty lazy lately - AND because I probably won't be able to play for a while after surgery - and maybe even Wii, I'll have to ask to doc that!!! I also want to get a massage this week if possible, I'm going to try and call tomorrow and see what I can do.

Okay, I'm going to get going for now. Sorry I've been such a blog slacker, and thanks for the comments.

XO